Desert

I've been going through a dry spell, spiritually...for about 3 years. Well, 3 years on and off. But mostly on. And it's not been miserable. I've not really been depressed or angry. Just kinda' uninterested. Sorta' bored. Pretty distant. I have been really frustrated with myself, though. It's definitely felt like a waste of time. When I look at what has happened in the past when I've been really connected with God and what He's doing around me it's amazing. I have grown and people have changed and things have moved forward. It's like real live life. And I'm not so self-centered as to believe that His hands are tied when I distance myself, but I do feel sorry that my eyes have been foggy where he's concerned. I've missed out and I am self-centered enough to feel sorry for myself.

So, I've been in the interview process for a job at a local church and when I started the process I realized that I better get my s*** together or I was going to feel like quite the hypocrite when I went in for this series of interviews. I didn't want to go in to a CHURCH office feeling like a jerk. (You understand that this is like walking naked at my wedding, sharing this in public, right?) Terribly embarrassing. Anyway, so with really filthy motives I turned to God. "I need to connect with You so that I can feel good enough about myself to interview with these people."

That paragraph reminds me of the show "Intervention". The interventionist tells the family and friends of the addict that they must say or do whatever is going to get the addict into treatment. The only important thing is getting them through the door of the treatment center. So if they need one more hit on the crack pipe or one more DQ Blizzard, give it to them. Then get them on the plane.

So I open my Bible and what do you know? God totally throws me a bone. I've come to him for all the wrong reasons and He knows it. I want to feel good about myself and He knows it. And yet, He meets me. He stoops. And He could have made me work for it, but He doesn't. He shows up and gives me scripture that I need for the moment. And He brings people into my day that challenge and encourage me. I'm inspired and that makes me feel good. But not the kind of good I was looking for. It makes me feel like a desperate little child who can't make it on my own. I cannot be truly good. I cannot be truly at peace. I cannot take a job like the one I hope for without Him. And if/when I get in there I can't base success on what everyone thinks of me. I have to believe that it's what God is doing in my heart and in the lives of the people around me that indicates success. Even if I were to fail miserably.

So as I lose patience in the process I know that it is God's timing, not my own. And it's not about the Church "liking me". It's about the big picture and what is best for God's people. And that is good to know.

List

You may have noticed that I'm really into making lists right now. I've always been into making to-do lists. I cannot describe the satisfaction I get from crossing things off. I tried a palm pilot for awhile and the thing I just couldn't accept was deleting a task when I was finished, or heaven forbid, making a little check in the box beside the task. I have to write it down with some type of writing utensil and then cross it out with some type of writing utensil. That's just the way I roll.

Anyway, in our small group we have been talking about marriage and we had an assignment this week that is right up my alley. We are to make a list of 10 things we like, love, appreciate about our spouse and then focus on those things for the week. Kind of an experiment to see if it changes the way our week goes. You may not know this about me, but I don't really like being told what to do and I especially don't like homework when I'm not getting a grade that will impact my future or my self-esteem. But it's a LIST and as soon as I got the assignment I did the assignment, because it's a LIST!

Here's my list:

1. Ben is so patient with me and with my moods (I have many)
2. He makes me laugh every day
3. He can build or fix almost anything
4. He makes financial decisions based on what's best for our family
5. He takes such good care of our dog, Winston (he even brushes his teeth)
6. He spends time reading with Anna Grace and he plays basketball with Caleb
7. He NEVER complains about the food I fix or if I don't want to cook or if we don't have a stocked fridge
8. He loves people who others find un-loveable
9. He is generous with others
10. He encourages me to find what I enjoy and then to pursue it
11. He took over the planning of Anna's 10th birthday party because I got overwhelmed (and that involved him taking 4 girls to the mall to purchase build-a-bears and building a fire for s'mores and hosting a sleep-over)

I have noticed that the more I focus on these 11 (I'm an overachiever) things, the happier I am and the more friendly I am towards my husband. He's a good one. So now I think I'll make a list of things I like about each of the kids...

Quit

Things I've quit doing...and I'm glad about it:

• Secretly eating s'mores from the microwave
• Answering the phone on the first ring
• Leaving the house at every opportunity
• Wearing pantyhose with sandals (ok, it's been a long time, but it just came to me)
• Watching Austin Powers late at night
• Feeling guilty about not having a daily quiet time
• Separating my skittles into color piles before eating them (ok, sometimes I still do that)
• Believing that some people are perfect

Things I've quit doing...and am sad about it

• Journaling faithfully
• Praying with each child every night
• Buying fun, new clothes
• Reading Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts
• Wearing heels

Things I've never/seldom done...but want to start

• Showing up and being me, all the time
• Chasing after my creative ideas
• Focusing on the really great stuff
• Sitting still outside
• Camping with my family

Things I do...and I'm going to keep on doing

• Setting up the coffee pot the night before
• Writing
• Wearing lipstick
• Calling my friends when they come to mind
• Thinking about the Gospel
• Returning to the the truth of the Gospel (because I forget it over and over and over again)

Inspired

It's been several months since my last post and that's because I've been feeling a bit uninspired. And things like buying a new automobile and surviving spring break have been demanding my attention recently. But I realize that I can always make time for something I love, especially the expression of my thoughts in words, inspired or not.

Some of the topics I'm considering are these:

Faith...is it arrogant to say that even if God took a child from me I would stay faithful to him? Does that "faith" say more about me or more about Him?

Dinner...and how much I hate to cook and the fact that we eat about 10 meals on a rotating basis.

Decorating...the way it fills that need for creativity and yet how defeated I feel when I can't determine what my "style" is.

Bible Study...do I really want it? Is it what God intended it to be?

Self-Defense

High School Reunions...were they created to disappoint?

Car Shopping...how things have changed (web-based information overload) and how they haven't (gravelly-voiced salesman, reassuring from the back seat and his business manager: what can we do to earn your business TODAY?)

The Woods...how to keep them woodsy, yet neat

How car-buying tactics can help when purchasing flagstone for landscaping

Economic Stimulus Tax Rebate...for suckers like us

Camp...how to make your kids pay half

My job...what should I do when it starts feeling like work?

So, now I'm going to ponder these and wait for inspiration (or not).