Desert

I've been going through a dry spell, spiritually...for about 3 years. Well, 3 years on and off. But mostly on. And it's not been miserable. I've not really been depressed or angry. Just kinda' uninterested. Sorta' bored. Pretty distant. I have been really frustrated with myself, though. It's definitely felt like a waste of time. When I look at what has happened in the past when I've been really connected with God and what He's doing around me it's amazing. I have grown and people have changed and things have moved forward. It's like real live life. And I'm not so self-centered as to believe that His hands are tied when I distance myself, but I do feel sorry that my eyes have been foggy where he's concerned. I've missed out and I am self-centered enough to feel sorry for myself.

So, I've been in the interview process for a job at a local church and when I started the process I realized that I better get my s*** together or I was going to feel like quite the hypocrite when I went in for this series of interviews. I didn't want to go in to a CHURCH office feeling like a jerk. (You understand that this is like walking naked at my wedding, sharing this in public, right?) Terribly embarrassing. Anyway, so with really filthy motives I turned to God. "I need to connect with You so that I can feel good enough about myself to interview with these people."

That paragraph reminds me of the show "Intervention". The interventionist tells the family and friends of the addict that they must say or do whatever is going to get the addict into treatment. The only important thing is getting them through the door of the treatment center. So if they need one more hit on the crack pipe or one more DQ Blizzard, give it to them. Then get them on the plane.

So I open my Bible and what do you know? God totally throws me a bone. I've come to him for all the wrong reasons and He knows it. I want to feel good about myself and He knows it. And yet, He meets me. He stoops. And He could have made me work for it, but He doesn't. He shows up and gives me scripture that I need for the moment. And He brings people into my day that challenge and encourage me. I'm inspired and that makes me feel good. But not the kind of good I was looking for. It makes me feel like a desperate little child who can't make it on my own. I cannot be truly good. I cannot be truly at peace. I cannot take a job like the one I hope for without Him. And if/when I get in there I can't base success on what everyone thinks of me. I have to believe that it's what God is doing in my heart and in the lives of the people around me that indicates success. Even if I were to fail miserably.

So as I lose patience in the process I know that it is God's timing, not my own. And it's not about the Church "liking me". It's about the big picture and what is best for God's people. And that is good to know.